Remember when I posted about
Post Partum Depression? Where I shared about how things were at that time?
While things did get better they also got worse. That might not make any sense to some of you but if you've dealt with this before then you understand what I mean.
For a while things were getting better, right on track. Then I was hit with
making the decision of getting a divorce. Through those months I was able to keep things together
or so I thought.
I was thrown into having to move,
battling M and being a
single mom all at once.
Then I started dating. He is going through the same thing (ie: divorce). That's a whole other ball game when dealing with someone elses divorce and stress. Trying to be a supporting partner and having to deal with yourself in your own head can be really, really trying and exhausting.
Don't get me wrong though, there is no one else that I would stick with in it's entirety than Mr. A. If anyone is worth the stress and trouble it's him.
For months and months I've been dealing with what I now know is
G.A.D (generalized anxiety disorder) and a
panic disorder.
If you read about it it says a lot of scary things
maybe that's just WebMd ha! but I luckily do not suffer from any serious side effects like bad thoughts, violence, or drug/alcohol abuse. So please know
that.
How has this affected my life and day to day living? Well I basically live in fear that something, anything will trigger an attack. I am constantly wondering what will it be this time? Once the attack happens I feel completely out of it and it takes a while for me to return back to "normal".
I panic over the smallest thing ie: picking an outfit out for work, being late for something, or even something ridiculous as choosing what's for dinner. That's when the small attacks happen.
When things get super stressful, and I'm guessing my brain just doesn't know how to handle it anymore, then the big attacks come. Those are the scary ones. It's like you know where you are and what you're doing and what you're saying. But you can't comprehend the whys or you forget what was said within minutes. I honestly could not tell you what I talked about with anyone this morning.
Sometimes I can but for the majority I don't remember a lot of what's said in conversations or even when I said I was going to do something. Or sometimes I don't remember that I NEED to do something and do something completely different.
Given the opportunity to stay and sleep in bed all day I would take it just so I know I won't be around triggers.
When I type that out it's so sad and I really don't know how I've gotten by and have kept the relationships I have. Because I know it's hard to live with and deal with. People don't understand unless they go through it themselves.
I was told that what set it off was every major life change happened at once and my brain didn't know how to react or comprehend it. It was almost like shock. So fast and not enough time to catch up with everything.
Within the last few weeks I've told family and close friends what was going on. I've started therapy and things are slowing getting better. I knew it was bad but I didn't know how bad until you hear it from others.
I wish I could say that I have an amazing support team within family but honestly my best friend and the Mr are the only two that understand. My family hears it and acknowledges it but never talks about it other than they are glad I told them. They have always been that way so I wasn't hurt or surprised by it. But I'm so so grateful that I have those two along with a few co-workers. It's so much easier when you aren't alone while recovering.
I'm writing this post in hopes that I reach someone in the blogosphere that is going through the same thing but is afraid to write about it or to tell people about what you're going through. It's OK to talk about it and it's OK to admit that you feel this way.
Talking about it and letting someone know will help you immensely.
I think these disorders or any disorders are a really touchy subject especially out in the open on the interwebs in fear of being judged. Please don't let that hinder you from sharing. You never know you're helping or touching when you think you aren't!
With that said I know it will be a long road to recovery and some days will be worse than others but I have full faith in Him that I will be able to take this and help others.
So for that, I am grateful to have been dealt these cards.
Have you experienced this before? What would you like to share?!
